Here’s a thing that getting into cold water has taught me: if you’re afraid of something, just do it, even if you do it badly. Fake it, in fact, until you’re doing it for real. Because sometimes when you’re pretending to do something, you discover you’re doing it for real.
When I get into 5C water, I do it slowly. I will never be someone who dives in and immediately starts swimming face-down front crawl. I walk halfway across the shallow end, adjusting to the feeling of cold water on my lower half and splashing some on my face and neck to let the rest of my body know what’s coming. When I reach the lifeguard’s chair, I lower myself down and start doing arm pulls for breaststroke. The movement of my arms tricks the rest of my body into thinking I’m swimming, and before I know it my legs are kicking up behind me and I concentrate on breathing out because my lungs are working hard to draw breath in.
And that determined walk down the steps that starts this off: it comes with a voice in my head saying ‘you don’t have to do it this time, you know. No-one will know. Just turn around and get dressed.’ And every time I ignore it and walk in. Because listening to it just this once will turn into listening to it every time. It’s persuasive. It wants me to take the easy route and stay comfortable. But being uncomfortable, doing something even though I don’t think I can, is too important a lesson to learn.
Similarly with moving my arms before my legs realise what’s going on: it makes me feel like I am fake swimming. I start doing the motions and then suddenly I am swimming for real. And this is how I feel about setting up as a counsellor: I’m doing all the steps but none of them feel quite real, or deserved. But I do them anyway. I fake it and I get it done, and it turns out that’s the same as believing in it and getting it done. I email a client, I view a book, I make a booking, I write a contract. It all feels like play, like a bit pretence. But the end result is the same: tiny steps forward to the thing I really want to do. I move my arms until my legs join in. I swim. I counsel.
I swim, now 